


Wiser Than Philosophy, Though She is Wise

by Lancelot_of_the_revolution



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Established Relationship, M/M, Other, They/Them Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens), Ze/Zir Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens), how much of this is based on personal experience?, title from the nightingale and the rose by oscar wilde, well i work at a coffee shop at my university and i hate my fucking job so take a guess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:53:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21641251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lancelot_of_the_revolution/pseuds/Lancelot_of_the_revolution
Summary: Anthony's new manager at the coffee shop is a royal pain in the ass. The classmate Ezra is tutoring may be even worse. Somehow, Anthony and Ezra find themselves playing wingmen to the most annoying people they know.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

"How's the shift going?"

"Well, I've long since decided that if I have to make one more peppermint mocha, I'm offing myself."

Ezra pursed his lips and rethought his order, "That bad, huh?"

"Honestly it's just been boring more than anything else. Closing shift always is." Anthony leaned his head against the computer monitor next to him, "I'm not sure if you've noticed, but you're the only customer in the building."

Ezra's reply was cut off by Anthony's manager shouting from the doorway to the kitchen, "Crowley! Quit leaning on the counter and do something!"

"Do what, Beelz?!" Anthony sighed, throwing up his arms in exasperation as he turned to face his manager, "We haven't had a customer in two hours, and I've already done all the closing work I can do before we lock the doors!"

"Well then wipe off counters."

"I’ve already done that! Twice!"

"Do it again." The door slammed by way of punctuation.

Anthony didn't even spare the spray bottle of all purpose cleaner a passing glance before continuing on with his conversation, "Zie just got promoted to shift lead a week ago and it's already gone to zir head." He rolled his eyes.

"Zie does seem rather insufferable as of late."

"Well, Beelz has always been a pain in the ass. Now zie just has the power to do something about it."

"Maybe you ought to go to your general manager about it?" 

"Go over zir head? No thank you. We can settle this between ourselves. I'll just stop letting zir use my Latin notes when zie skips class."

"Isn't zie better at Latin than you are?" 

"Doesn't make zir any less lazy." Anthony tapped the screen in front of him so that it would light up, "Anyway, what are you ordering?" 

"Oh! A hot chocolate, please, with whole milk?"

"And peppermint?" 

Ezra laughed, "I would, but I fear for your mental health."

"If there's no espresso in it, it's not a mocha," Anthony pointed out as he clicked the peppermint button on the computer, "And whipped cream?" 

"You know me too well," Ezra glanced at the selection of sweets next to the register, "Should I get I muffin?" 

"Stupid question."

"You're right, I'll take a white chocolate raspberry."

Ever since Anthony started working at the coffee shop on campus, Ezra had adopted a routine of spending Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights in the mostly empty restaurant to keep Anthony company on the days he closed. Anthony's managers, a rank which Beelz had only recently joined, tolerated Ezra’s presence because he always bought food and didn't cause any trouble. Ezra still had to leave at closing time, however, because they weren't allowed to start closing until every customer was out of the building. 

Forty five minutes after Beelz locked the doors, Anthony met Ezra at the campus library just a couple minutes north of the coffee shop. 

"You finished closing rather quickly," Ezra noted without looking up from his book. 

"I'll give Beelz that, zie doesn't fuck around when there's shit to do. What are you reading?" 

Ezra quickly flipped up the cover of his book to allow Anthony to read the title. It was a collection of Oscar Wilde's short stories with a drawing of Wilde on the cover that hit a sort of uncanny valley level of creepiness. 

"You reading that for class?" Anthony asked as he sat down beside Ezra and pulled out his homework. 

"No, I just saw that the library had a copy and felt some re-reading was in order."

"Which story?" 

"My favorite, of course." 

"That nightingale one?" 

"The Nightingale and the Rose, yes. Then The Happy Prince. I'm about halfway through Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime now."

Anthony nodded as if he knew anything about those stories aside from their names and the fact that Ezra enjoyed them. Ages ago, when they'd first started dating, Ezra had loaned him a copy of The Happy Prince and Other Stories, but he still hadn't had the time to read it. 

After a while of silent studying, someone new sat down in the chair across the table from Ezra and began pulling out work of his own. Ezra, upon noticing the new presence at their table, set aside his book. 

It took Anthony a moment to click to what was happening, "Ah, shit, are you two studying together or something? I can move somewhere else if you--”

“No, dear, it’s alright,” Ezra said at the exact same moment the newcomer said, “If you wouldn’t mind, that’d be fantastic.” 

Anthony looked between the two of them as they seemed to have a silent conversation for a few seconds before Ezra said, to Anthony but without breaking eye contact with his classmate, “As long as you don’t distract us, I can’t see why you shouldn’t stay.”

The new person pursed his lips and glared at Ezra before finally conceding, electing to ignore Anthony entirely and turn back to his work. Ezra stood and circled the desk so he could look over his shoulder and see the screen of his laptop. Anthony did his best to ignore them, if for no other reason than the mutual annoyance radiating off of both of them was near unbearable. Still, it felt far too awkward to move at this point.

Finally, after about an hour and a half of bickering and thinly veiled insults and perhaps twenty minutes worth of actual productivity, Ezra’s classmate left.

“Who was that?” Anthony asked as soon as he was out of earshot.

“Gabriel Capellini, he asked for tutoring in Romantic Lit.”

“Not to judge before I’ve properly met him, but he seems like--”

“A bit of a pain? Yes, he is.”

“I was going to say asshole, but ‘spose that works as well. Anyway, if you don’t like him, why are you tutoring him?”

Ezra shrugged, “He asked for help, I couldn't very well turn him down.”

“You could.”

“And it’s no trouble, really. You know how much I enjoy discussing literature.”

“That sounded less like an academic discussion and more like a verbal fistfight, angel.” Anthony pulled on his jacket and offered his arm to Ezra to walk him out of the building.

“To be fair, academic discussions do tend to sound like verbal fistfights.”

“Can’t argue with that,” Anthony muttered, “In any case, warn me next time the two of you have a study date? I don’t think I can stand that again.”


	2. Chapter 2

If he had to hear Freddie Mercury's voice one more time during this shift, Anthony was going to lose it. 

"D'you think we can--" 

"I don't have the password, Crowley." The empty look in Beelz's eyes told Anthony that zie was just as tired of Spotify’s 'This is: Queen' as he was. 

Anthony groaned, "I woke up this morning with  _ Don’t Stop Me Now _ stuck in my head, you know? I've never,  _ never,  _ listened to Queen on purpose, but since I started working here I think I know their entire discography by heart." 

"Even if I did have the password, I'd get written up if I changed the station." 

The melodic fever dream that is Queen's  _ Seaside Rendezvous  _ ended only to be immediately followed by the notorious  _ stomp! Stomp! Clap!  _ Of  _ We Will Rock You.  _ Anthony strongly considered walking out on his shift right there, but his bank account convinced him otherwise. The owner of the coffee shop had been exclusively playing Spotify's pre-made Queen playlist in the building for at least an entire semester, much to the chagrin of his employees. It wasn't that Anthony disliked Queen, not at first anyway. Some of their music was actually fairly good-- Anthony was partial to  _ Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy  _ and  _ Brighton Rock.  _ But any song gets old after enough repeating, especially songs you didn't get to pick in the first place. 

The bell over the door jingled and Beelz took that as zir cue to step away from the counter where zie was standing with Anthony and over toward the espresso machine. Anthony watched his boyfriend's guardian business major approached the counter. 

"Hello, how are you doing today?" 

"I need a sixteen ounce cappuccino and a, uh," Gabriel stopped to check something on his phone before finishing, "peppermint hot chocolate." The hot chocolate must be for Ezra, he'd said something about tutoring Gabriel again tonight. 

"Any flavorings in the cappuccino?" 

"No, just a plain cappuccino." 

"What sort of milk do you want in that?" 

"I don't really care," Gabriel shrugged. He wasn't even looking at Anthony as they spoke, but Anthony didn't really care enough to figure out what he was staring at. 

Anthony thought about reminding Gabriel that it was his coffee, actually, and he should really be the one to decide what sort of milk goes into it, as opposed to leaving that up to a cashier who had no lasting stake in the matter, but he decided the conversation wasn't really worth his time and hit the whole milk button. 

"That gonna be all for you today?" 

"Yes. Do you need a name?" 

"I already know your name, Gabriel."

"You what?" 

"I know your name? We met last week, remember? I'm Ezra's boyfriend, I was at the library when he was helping--" 

"Right, right, I remember," Gabriel cut him off. 

Beelz ended up making Gabriel's cappuccino while Anthony made Ezra's drink with about double the chocolate and three times the peppermint that the recipe strictly called for. After Gabriel left for the library, the awkward half conversation between the only two employees in the building resumed. 

"I know that guy, he's in Ezra's Romantic lit class. They study together sometimes. He's kind of a jackass, I think, but--" 

"Crowley, I really do not care."

"Right."

Ezra, always the creature of habit, was sitting at the same table as he'd been the last time they'd met up, this time skimming a well worn library copy of  _ Going Postal _ . He lit up when he saw Gabriel enter the room carrying his drink. 

"Oh! Thank you, dear!" he said, setting the book aside. 

Gabriel winced, "Ezra, you've really got to stop talking like you were born in 1863. I know you have this effect you're going for, but in 2019 the word 'dear' has connotations."

"What’s the point of academia if you can't be a little eccentric about it?" Nevertheless, he made a mental not to refrain from using that particular petname for Gabriel in the future. Ezra took his drink, "Anthony made this, didn't he?" 

"You can tell that by the smell?!" 

"He always adds extra chocolate for me," Ezra explained, "also, I already knew he was working tonight. The only other option was Beelz, who always skimps on the syrups no matter who's ordering." Ezra frowned at his cup on that last bit. 

"Beelz? Was that her name?" 

"Zir" Ezra corrected reflexively. 

Gabriel blinked, "what?" 

"Zir pronouns are zie and zir or they and them, whichever you prefer. Zie doesn't really care, as far as I know. But certainly not she. Easy mistake, though. And yes, zir name is Beelzebub, or Beelz for short."

"Beelzebub? Like the Lord of the Flies Beelzebub? Beelzebub the prince of hell? The one who has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me?" Gabriel chanted the last part with enough rhythm to no longer be speaking but not enough tune to be truthfully considered singing. 

"I suppose like all three, yes. Or maybe zie just liked the sound of it and picked the name without consideration to its origin, I never asked."

Gabriel decided not to spend too much time considering the idea that the pretty person at the coffee shop had named themself after a Queen song, thinking it best to presume innocence until guilt is proven. In any case, he had an essay due Monday that it would probably be a better idea to think about. 

Fifteen minutes into analyzing Frankenstein, Gabriel snapped. 

"I just don't understand why this is so fucking difficult!" he announced, earning a few glares from nearby students for going over the 'whisper' volume recommended by many a sign on the library wall. 

Ezra raised a brow, "easy books don't generally get remembered. Art is supposed to challenge you, and Mrs. Shelly's writing is no exception to that rule."

"It’s not just Frankenstein! It's the other novels, it's the poetry-- good God, the poetry! And the essays. The essays are the easiest of them all but they're still written Like That and I--" 

"Wasn’t expecting a Literature class to challenge you?" 

Gabriel's shoulders sagged. "No, I wasn't."

"And why's that?" 

"Well, it's  _ reading _ ! I already know how to  _ read _ ! And English class was never this hard in high school." 

"There’s more to reading than just understanding symbols on a page."

"Yeah, I get that."

Ezra didn't think he really did, but arguing that point would do nothing but make the conversation turn sour-- or, more sour than it already was. "Try it this way: what are you good at?" 

Gabriel bit back the urge to say  _ everything but this  _ and instead said, "math."

"Alright, good. Why are you good at math? What is it about math that you enjoy?" 

"It has answers. I like answers. At least the math I do, you know, accounting and economics and stuff, it has rules, goals. Analyzing Keats doesn't have that, I don't know when I'm right or wrong."

Ezra watched Gabriel's face fall a little, his voice soften as much as it could when it was already a whisper. He seemed honestly defeated. And then he wasn't. His face hardened and his shoulders squared. 

"It’s needlessly confusing! It's not that deep, it's just words."

"Nothing is ever just words-- nothing is ever 'just' anything, but especially not literature. Look, this class isn't going to be the easy GPA boost you were looking for, but I can help you at least get the material better if you let me. I can't really give you anything that has solid answers, but if you want something at least a little more concrete why not try researching more of the history around Mary Shelley, or maybe even the scientific basis for Victor's experiments, and see if there's something worth writing your essay on there?"

  
  


Later that night Ezra and Anthony were in Ezra's dorm room, recounting their days to each other. 

"You’re one to talk about a man stuck in his worldview." Anthony hummed. He was curled against Ezra's side, listening to him complain about his less than ideal student but mostly listening to the funny way Ezra's voice echoed through his chest when Anthony was leaning on him like this. All hollow and deep. 

"Excuse me?" 

"Angel, you're just about the most stubborn person I know," Anthony said. He briefly debated sitting up to continue to conversation, but he was tired and comfortable and Ezra's arm around his shoulders was warm and Ezra could hear him just fine from right where he was. 

"I am not!" 

"Oh?" 

"I'm not stubborn at all! I can't imagine why you would--" 

Anthony cleared his throat, and Ezra thought over what he was saying before conceding, "I may be a little stubborn, but I'm not nearly as hard headed as Gabriel."

"No," Anthony yawned, "or, at very least, you're a hell of a lot more likeable."

Over three doors and down two floors, Gabriel was in his dorm, sitting at his desk and continuing to work on the essay he'd started with Ezra's help. While he worked, and without even really realizing, he'd been humming  _ Bohemian Rhapsody--  _ the few bars around the four minute mark. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The opinions given by the characters do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the author, Queen fucking slaps and Anthony and Beelz are just bitter

**Author's Note:**

> first of all, thanks to my beta! @awildbloggerhasappeared on tumblr!
> 
> second, a quick note on the short stories i name dropped. The nightingale and the rose and the happy prince are both rather short and pretty fairy tales, and lord Arthur savile's crime is a more proper short story that is absolutely hilarious imo. the collected short stories that ezra is reading is a real book, it's what my copy looks like, and i do honestly have a personal vendetta against the art on the cover. it's just awful to look at. 
> 
> i'll try to update soon, but finals week is next week, so it may be a little while! i'll have the next chapter before new years at least ^^


End file.
